Dear Universe, I'm tired!

I recently read a very informative article on successful marriages and it noted that we shouldn't always save our "leftover" selves for our spouse while giving everyone else our best.  And, I'm the first to admit, I do this EVERY SINGLE DAY!  My spouse comes home to a wife that is exhausted, battered, broken, messy, crumpled, ornery, and maybe even a little wacky from the INSANE DAY that is the life of a mom.  After reading that article, I decided to make a point of being my best self around the man I love, and letting the universe have my yucky leftovers for the day.

SO HERE YOU GO UNIVERSE!!!

I am tired!  I'm spent!  I didn't get to bed until 3:30am and then had my alarm screaming at me to wake up at 6:00am so I could start another Cinderella day of cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, organizing never-ending piles of stuff, scolding teaching children who can't seem to get along these days, and homeschooling three kids who are on very different levels of learning.  I will be honest and admit that I didn't even have two minutes to brush my teeth today (ewwww!) so I have been chewing cinnamon gum instead.  But, hell, I can tell you all about rock cycles, William the Conquerer, the Battle of Hastings, every phonogram and spelling rule known in the English language, all of the books of the bible, some very lengthy memorized historical and math facts, and the tested fact that certain substances do NOT wash out of clothing (if you know how to wash hardened green slime out of a cotton shirt, be my guest).  I will also have fresh smelling kids tomorrow, thanks to the laundry I've been doing all day.  I will have healthy kids, I hope, after forcing them to take a bite of each vegetable on their plate and then agreeing that, yes, ketchup can count as a vegetable (you win some, you lose some).  I will have a happy husband by not unloading all of my frustrations on him today, and instead turning to the power of the super-fast-mega-speed typing on this blog.

I'm really angry today.  I just am.  I'm not an angry person, but today I have just had enough!  I am still stuck in the mystery of what is going on with my body these days.  Some days I feel fine, others I feel so tired and fatigued and start shaking if I exert myself in the slightest.  We went to the outlet mall on Saturday after Beckham's soccer game in Austin, and my arm started shaking uncontrollably after carrying a stack of maybe 5-6 clothing items into the dressing room.  I've continued getting terrible migraines on the right side of my head every night around bedtime.  I've been trying to sleep better, eat healthier, and exercise more, but I feel like the universe is somehow against me.  I try to sleep and have an intensely painful headache.  I eat healthier, for sure, but sometimes I'm so busy that I'll go 8 or more hours between meals.  I've been trying out Blogilates (free on youTube - if you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it) each day, figuring it is a nice, low-key, low-impact workout (I mean, it's pilates, how hard could it be!?) and find myself doing only the beginner versions of all of the moves and shaking and unable to get through the entire workout half the time.  I've been training for a 5k that my friend talked me into signing up for next month, and since I am NOT a runner, I figured I could use the Couch to 5k app on my phone to help me out.  Oh my, let me reiterate that I am NOT a runner!  As I jog with my jogging stroller full of kids, I feel like I am pushing a load of bricks, uphill, against the wind.  When did I get so old and out of shape?  Ha ha!  

Two years ago I was in the best shape of my life, dancing at the Russian Embassy, and feeling like Wonder Woman.  I weighed in at my healthy base weight of 118, looked fabulous, and felt amazing.  Ever since my hospital stay, about 18 months ago, I haven't felt like I've regained my strength.  I continue to have problems with my legs getting shaky and weak.  I get tired too fast.  I fatigue too easily.  I could nap just about anytime anywhere (if only!!!), hence the suspicion of narcolepsy.  And, despite my healthy eating and lack of calories due to my busy, frantic schedule, and my exercising, I've gained 10 pounds!  That alone makes me want to kick something.  What the hell?!  Luckily I have another doctor appointment next Thursday (they want to discuss the possibility of seizures tied in with the migraines...) so we can run some tests and see what is going on!

I guess I'm also angry because I feel like my husband, being a doctor, should have more sympathy for what I'm going through and help me solve this mystery.  But I get the feeling that if the neurologists can't even pinpoint what's wrong, then he just would rather write it off as nothing.  Like if science can't prove it, then I must be making it up?!  Why would I make this up?  I don't know!  I actually started crying last night because I couldn't get through 30 minutes of my workout without fatiguing too quickly.  I was supposed to be training to become a yoga and dance instructor and open up my own studio after he finished residency, and instead my body just won't have it.  I'm spent.  I'm tired.  Unnaturally tired.  I'm really fed up with this.  I'm doing everything right and still I feel like I'm getting more and more out of shape, more and more weak.  And, at that realization, my fury and anger just turns into a little bit of sadness and defeat.  BUT I CAN'T HAVE THAT!  I have to overcome this and be bigger than whatever this ailment is.  This invisible thing that drains me of my lifeforce.  My kryptonite.  Only, it doesn't have a name yet.  Do all moms feel this exhausted?  Did I just hit a speed bump that has thrown me off?  

Rant over, Universe.  Carry on.