Okay, well the days aren't SO sad. But the nights are long and lonely when your husband is gone working 90-100 hours per week including those dreaded 30-hour shifts. I cannot wait for this rotation to be OVER!!! And, in two more months, we will have survived Internship year, notorious for its long, horrible hours. I don't care what anybody says, this lifestyle affects the entire family. The kids miss Jordan. I miss Jordan. We try to stay busy during the day - which really isn't the challenge. There are always so many things we have to do and want to do in the day. But as soon as night comes, and the kids are tucked away in their beds, I find myself alone in our house.
Since moving in last May, I have never been able to walk into our living room and sit down and relax if Jordan is not home. It feels so sad and lonely in there without him. The couch seems too big and cold. There's no point in turning on the tv because the whole point of watching anything is to sit there with Jordan and laugh together.
So, I either clean or study or stare at my computer screen thinking about how I should study, like tonight, but instead do nothing. I am tired. But, I cannot sleep... not yet... Jordan is gone and falling asleep will be next to impossible. I have so much to do. But I cannot be productive because I'm exhausted. So, I sit. I stare ahead at my empty computer screen where I should be laboriously typing yet another paper. Instead, my head fills with lyrics from years ago.
...And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown, I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is tumbling down
I can say it so clearly
But you're nowhere around
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
And I'm trembling at night and
Nobody knows it but me
I lie awake, it's quarter past three
I'm screaming at night as if
I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me....
So, there's my sappy, missing-Jordan tale for the evening. This man has haunted me now for over 13 years! It was about 11 years ago that he played this song for me for the first time. At the time we had been broken up for a few months and I had gotten engaged, foolishly, to somebody else during that time. I was an idiot. Yet, Jordan and I both missed each other like crazy despite our stubbornness. I cried over him every night and nobody knew it. Then, right before he left on his mission to Kentucky, Jordan and I spent a few weeks together. He played that song for me right before he left. And that's the first song I heard on the radio the very next day as I got into my car.
It kind of became a theme for us. Missing each other. It has never been easy but we have had several times over the past several years of having to miss each other. Mission, work, school, military. Sometimes it has been a mere matter of tasks taking over and not having enough time together. Other times he has had to go away for a few months for military and school. This year, it has been long hours at work. But, as much as I miss him on nights like tonight, I'm so glad that I have that reassurance that I get to be in his arms tomorrow. Sappy. I know. Blame the pregnancy hormones or the lack of sleep or whatever, but it has been a really long couple of weeks and on nights like this all I really want is my husband by my side and that's something I will NEVER take for granted.
