We are in the midst of preparing our house to sell - upgrades and renovations and painting and oh-the-cleaning! Try deep cleaning a house while constantly meeting the demands of three young children and you have entered a whole new ballgame. We still haven't gotten official word about where we are being sent after residency. First we were told Texas, but then we heard that everything is changing with the military downsizing and certain installations and departments closing. So, now, who knows?! Certainly not us. We don't have a clue! It's rather exciting, actually.
Right now, I will apologize if I use any English terminology or phrases from the early 20th century - we have recently started watching Downton Abbey for the first time and are hooked. Like, watching it every night on the Kindle sort of hooked. And since I don't get out much, my language exposure consists of either the early 20th century English aristocrats or my young children and the details of cars and trains and pet spiders (fake pet spiders, thank goodness!).
But, let's get to the point of why I'm even here today, blogging, ever-so-randomly, about absolutely nothing.
I NEED AN OUTLET!!!
A few weeks ago I was having a discussion with a longtime friend of Jordan's about personality types and the tests that tell you what yours is. I was always a "yellow" and an "ENFP" back in high school and college. An "Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceptive" personality type. I suggested that whereas I used to be a yellow and an extrovert, now I was probably much more of an introvert. I have always been fairly shy, even as an extrovert, but now I keep to myself all the time. This friend just laughed at me and insisted that I was still the extrovert that he has always known. Then he suggested that I just think I'm an introvert because of my circumstances of being home alone with kids all day every day, but as soon as I'm around anyone I have this innate need to release my entire heart and soul for everyone to see, at least those I'm comfortable around.
He's right. And it is an innate need. I feel like I'm going to burst sometimes if I can't share what's on my mind with someone. I feel like sometimes I let people see too much of my heart and soul and other times I bottle it up, but eventually it all has to come out like a shaken up soda pop. I have to share me. I have to let people see me, even the vulnerable parts. Even all of my vices. The good, the bad, the ugly, I can't hide it and hold it in and let it simmer. I really do need to have a release. And writing, even if no body in the world reads it, provides me with at least one outlet.
What I need to do is write a book. Or two. Or several. I need to get it all out. Write fiction, using elements of my life that I so badly feel the need to get out of me and into the world. One of my favorite aspects of history and humanities is reading the personal writings of people from the past. It is what brings them to life and makes them real to me. They took the time to write something that meant something to them, whatever that might be, and no matter how trivial or extraordinary, I feel a little piece of their soul in that writing and I imagine the person being so full of life. I guess I want to show the world that I am still so full of life and ambition and dreams. I didn't disappear when I became a mom. I just became extraordinarily busy!
So, if you ever wonder what my blog is all about, there's your answer. It's about nothing. It's about everything. It's my outlet when my heart is full or my mind is spinning or I'm so excited or mad or sad that I have to shout out to the world.
Today, I don't feel the need to shout out anything, but to just let the words flow out and provide my mind and body with a release from all the pressure of doing it all by myself all the time. Running the household, raising the children, figuring out the finances and running the numbers to see if it's in our best interest to sell or rent and how much we can afford to lose in the process, packing, cleaning, making the meals, taking kids to appointments or extracurricular activities, teaching, listening, planning, all the while wishing... wishing for the best for my children. Wishing my husband will always love me no matter how cranky I am at the end of an exhausting day or through the years as I get old and lose my beauty. Wishing for a break to go exercise or take a sunny walk instead of being stuck in the house during a week of snow and icy rain. Wishing and hoping and dreaming. My life is so good. So blessed. So extraordinary in ordinary ways. And sometimes it just all has to pour out of me.
And since I've been doing a lot of yoga lately, I feel like I need to end with a "Namaste" - and I was going to say that I won't because I'm not into that new-age hippie stuff, but maybe I kind of am.
