"That's just my battle scar."

After Monday's experience and finally opening up and posting the details of my past, I have been contemplative and my first thought was that it is time to cut the past loose once and for all, starting by deleting that post and never speaking of any of it ever, ever again.  I have hated remembering those parts of my past.  HATED it!  I have always been afraid that pain would consume me.  I always try to avoid thinking about those things, or seeing or hearing anything that will remind me of them.  But, I can't just abandon my younger self from my past.  That's what caused half of the pain in the first place, was feeling so abandoned and alone.  I always wished for someone else to save me.  I learned that I need to save myself, with the strength that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with.  I realized that I need to nurture my self rather than sever all ties with my past self.  I need to embrace my young 20-year-old self and say, "Hey, you're not alone, you know... Be proud that you survived that battle!  Hold your head high!  And look how strong you are now!"  In the word's of a Third Eye Blind song:  Show up, wounded.  Rock on... on and on.

So, I choose to embrace who I was then as well as who I am now, rather than delete my post and delete my past.  So, that was a really hard time for me.  It was really hard for me to type it all out and drudge up all of those painful memories that I have always run from.  It was hard for me to let it out there into the universe for people I know to see it and read it and judge however they might judge.  To let people see a very real and very raw part of my life.  But, if I just cut the past loose, that's like telling myself that I want nothing to do with that girl who got attacked and who had to deal with it by herself.  It's like telling myself that I didn't matter then and don't matter now.  Sure, that was a really crappy time in my life.  But, it all worked out.  I overcame it, strong as ever, and now I am blissfully happy when I let myself be.  When I let myself be.  That's the key. 

I am allowed to be happy and free from my past, while still embracing my self and accepting it with my head held high.  I don't have to pretend it never happened to be happy.  I don't have to lock it in the vault and bury it, like I've been doing all these years, just to get by.  I just have to move on and be free and remember that the past does not define me, but it sure has made me stronger than I ever imagined I could be back then.

Here's a song that Jordan burned on a CD for me after I was attacked (I still have a really hard time calling it rape) and before he left on his mission.  I always had mixed feelings about this song, as it always made me cry but it also always gave me hope and made me realize that someone out there understands the pain.  I always pictured Jordan telling me these things since all I had was the CD since he was gone on a two-year mission. 

This was my therapy when I was all alone:

Third Eye Blind
Wounded

The guy who put his hands on you,
has got nothing to do with me.
And the bruises that you feel will heal
and I hope you come around,
cause we're missing you.

You used to speak so easy,
now you're afraid to talk to me.
It's like walking with the wounded.
Carrying that weight way too far,
the concrete pulled you down so hard
out there with the wounded...
...We're missing you.

Well I never claimed to understand
what happens after dark,
but my fingers catch the sparks
at the thought of touching you...
When you're wounded...

Lemme break it down till I force the issue,
we miss your face and you know I wish you
would come back down to the Delva Bar,
you tell 'em, "That's just my battle scar."
I wanna kiss you, and knock em down like we used to
You're a marigold
till you're walking down shaking that ass again,
then you walk on baby, you walk on, you walk on...
On and on...
You're an angel in the pit with her hands in the air

And we're missing you...

Now it's fall and your shoulders get tighter.
Nervous flicks on your lighter... boots,
your pissed off poets,
your women's groups.
And the friends with you, we should've known this fool.
Well, I guess we missed the mark.
Still, my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of them
touching you.
Now you're wounded...

Lemme break it down till I force the issue.
You never come around and you know we miss you.
Well no body took your pride away.
I said, "that's something people say."

Back down the bully to the back of the bus,
cause it's time for them to be scared of us,
till you're yelling how we're living cause you got the ball
and then you rock on, baby, rock on, you rock on
On and On.....

You're a summertime hottie with her socks in the air,
you're screaming, "I don't care, baby I don't care!  No."
You say you don't know, you say here we go now.
All I know is we're missing you.
You say you don't know, you say here we go now.
All I know is we're missing you.

Show up, show up wounded.
Show up, show up wounded.